Can we just call it already?

I went to work last night less than thrilled about going back after being off for 10 days and not getting any decent rest or feeling any better, in fact have new symptoms that scream in agony. Even so, was happy to be going back to work, get in my routine and just let routine of everything carry you through the night. Ben, my boss, had asked me yesterday on the phone if he could have me work on my days off which are Tues. and Weds. during swing shift. I am happy to do it because, let's face it, I need the money. The whole point being I went to work not thrilled but not upset either and if I would have been feeling 100 percent I would have loved it but....

Get to to work and my seat 1 tells me that I am going to the new tow business that we have at 2 in the morning. Fine what do I care except for some reason I do, probably just because it would have been nice to be "home" at work. I leave work at 2 and go to new business. Only one guy there, named Stan. He is to enter all the calls from Nov. to now in the computer which means creating calls and recreating times. Time consuming and heart draining. Get frustrated and you can get stuck on one thing for hours. Trip you ever piece of paper that you do. Always have to remember to shake that stuff off and move on.

I go and train their guy how to do our paper work. He is very nice and so is everyone else there. Peter and Ben showed up early and Mark and Tony. I was only suppose to work until 7 but Ben asked if I could stay later and of course I can, wherever I can get the money. I worked until 10:30. Have to be back there at 11 tonight.

Now to the sucky part. My mom called about 8 crying hard, my grandma died, her mom. Her dad died Thanksgiving of 2008. They had been married just over 69 years. Now she is no longer in pain and again with her husband and her 2 children who made it there before her. For her I am so happy and my faith is beyond anything I can ever experience. For my own selfish reasons not believing it's so. Wishing her still alive. I will always remember her and all her ways but I think for now I will remember her at the cabin she loved with all her heart and couldn't wait to get into every summer so she could embarrass us kids sitting in her 18 hour bra to stay cool, yelling at us that it covered more than our skimpy bikinis. She was right but really!

My mom is so sad and depressed and her heart is breaking as she leaves work and gets things done so that she can make the trip to SD to bury her last parent. I can only imagine the suffering that she must feel. The loneliness, sadness, pure total mourning. For chances that she never have. The finality of it all.

I get home after a trip to the connivance store for smokes and then almost home to remember to go to the bank and then home again only to find out that the deaf man has fallen asleep with the door locked, TV blaring and his hearing aid off. Unfortunately for me my phone was almost dead, beeping in my ear the whole time as I alternated his cell and the house phone as I beat the hell out of the door. 10 short minutes, really long and suffering because I had to go to the bathroom, I was finally let in. Thank you, Steven!

I need to go to sleep because I now have to be at work at 11pm and I still have to see about arrangements with my mom and grandma. Not to mention I still haven't picked up Carol's remains from the mortuary yet. Sorry!

I am officially calling this day a disaster and I no longer have to see the positive in everything. I can now allow myself the time to cry and be sad and be happy and be mad and whatever else I may feel like being. Why because I can. I am smart enough to know that if I take the time and experience the pain I will be able to easier let the pain go. I pray that is true and I pray that my Grandpa and Grandma are holding each other's hand and patting it as they call each other Ma & Pa. They were extremely damn cute!

Last lazy day at home.

Haven't worked in 9 days. Go back tomorrow. Seems weird to be going in a way. I am happy to go back for the money but I don't know if I am ready. I know it is 6 pm and I haven't gotten anything done around here. My wonderful niece is helping the girls pickup though. She is so totally awesome.

We pray for the right house, in the right neighborhood and the right income and life will start flowing a little more connected. I know I should get up and clean but I am going to sleep for a while until my side stops hurtning.

Pretty sure I am going to live.

Woke at 7 in the morning. So not ready but body decided it was. So I stayed down in bed, got on the laptop (wish I could say I was finding us a house but just not up to it yet) and caught up on email and facebook. I think sometimes, keeping in touch with your past and your friends are much more important than what everyone else thinks we should be doing. At this rate I may actually be able to go back to work on monday. Would be really nice for the pocket book but I am not worrying, leaving it to God.

So I am heading back to bed for a nap. Have to get up and take Gabby to the doctor by 3pm. She has had a fever fo 3 days and I believe she has an upper respitory infection. Was going to cancel it because she seememd better but when she wanted to sleep with me last night I knew she wasn't better. Now she is couching like me. Poor little angel. Hopefully she will be cured quickly.

Happy to report the dogs are back to normal. Damage to the couch is already done, but isn't getting worse and they are sticking to eating food. They don't leave us alone at all but that's highly understandable.

Well wish me luck on finding a new place in the area I need and getting the energy to have this place realistate ready by Monday. If it happens it happens but I won't be risking my health to get it done. I have finally learned my lesson! Yes I know I should have already known that lesson many years ago, it is just a result of another fault I have and am trying to change, my stubbornness.

It's a new Era

I could choose to do nothing but complain today which started off with a wicked bang, as only my life seems to know how sometimes, then rapid fire two, three pitch and the day was set to be a bad one. I decided it wasn't happening. So we have to move because they are selling the house, who cares, a better place in a better area will be available where I will actually want to put my kids back in public school. So my son is moving here to be with us and I am not sure any of us are ready for it but I miss him and I love him and I don't have to let him live with me if he (at 28) can't handle being a help instead of a hinder. No maids live here and no money tree in the backyard that I have found. The third call as my husband's job accusing him of recking the bus. He was worried. I have faith in him. I know he didn't do it and once he saw it he would be able to tell the boss exactly what happened. I was right, boss should have looked inside the bus and he would have seen the rock that broke the window on the seat. So his job is all well and fine.

I could be in a rotten mood because I am more sick now than when I went to the hospital a week ago. Or that my baby (11) has fever and respiratory infection and wants to be waited on hand and foot and I can't even take care of myself.

Instead, I am going to sit back and thank God that he connected me with old friends. Long ago seen but never forgotten and always fondly wondered about. Today I was blessed by a call from a guy that I went to school with. We hung out with the same gang. He was always a great friend, and occasional sorta boyfriend but he was in love with another as was I. He just disappeared from our lives one day and I never knew what happened to him. Today I have that answer. He is happy and alive and full of exciting ideas and eager to share them with those who will listen. We talked about unanswered prayers and what blessings they can be and how what we need always shows up exactly when needed and how if you listen, you will be guided along the way. We must have talked for 2 hours. I would have stayed on the phone longer but had to spend time with my hubby and kids, not to mention I am suppose to be conserving my strength by not talking. I can't wait to talk to him again. Thank you Lord for a great day. One that really will be remembered for a very long time.

Scary way my brain jump the tracks

Was going to start this by saying, nothing good to report but, I choose to change that. I have good news and received answers to questions I have had for years and in the end, knowing is better than guessing. This year has been real tough, usually I dole out the hard learning experiences for the entire year, but God it would seem in his infinite wisdom has a whole lot planned for me this year or get it out of the way in the beginning and have a break for the rest. Whatever, it will be what it will be and I can't pick what happens and I can't have all of the good with none of the bad. I totally understand that I have to not only appreciate what the good brings but balance it with the lessons of the hard. I accept that. I always have and this year I am actually not going to try and control my life and every thing around it. Like I was ever in control of any of it in the first place.

This is the year I just go with it and really trust that what I need will be there when I need it. It always have and rarely did it come from where I would think it would. Some of the years of my life I really didn't see any good. At least then, now in hindsight (prefer that too finally old enough and wise enough to know better)I grasp that it had good and I was provided with exactly what I needed when I needed it, maybe not on my time but exactly when it was desperately required. Even the bad taught me so many lessons.

Each trouble and hardship, set back, whatever, it is can be some of the best moments of your life and the answer to unanswered prayers. Each person you meet is brought to you for a reason, whatever that reason will be. It will all end in lessons learned and experiences, experienced. Some years, hell, some days have harder lessons than others, more difficulty than you think you can stand. But yet you do, you deal with it and move on, yourself somehow changed in some simple way or in a huge life altering kind of thing. Whatever it is, it is.

Now back to that news. I ended up in the ER on Friday the 19th (if in Vegas 3:45 am. good time to go, first in, no waiting,just learned a lesson) for my Crohn's. Frankly, I say I have it when asked but I seem to have forgotten the full throttle of hell that Crohn's can be. From my teens until my early 30's I wouldn't have forgotten. I was to busy trying to stand on 2 feet and not pass out from the pain. I remember not eating for weeks because I was so tired of being sick. Everybody so jealous because I was skinny! I always hated when people said that I was too skinny. It was not by choice. I would have loved to be eating what I want and when I wanted to.

Middle 30's until recently, remission, occasional problem. Started seeming like a big deal a couple years ago but just thought I was getting old, weak, couldn't handle the pain because I wasn't use to it. Then last week, wow suddenly remember that the pain I had been having wasn't anything compared to what it can be. I couldn't stand up straight, couldn't think (sorry Kyle I know you had to redo everything I did) and everything I touched was done wrong, which I just don't do. I am great at my job. I know it! I said it! I own it! Same thing had happened the night before but with Kyle's help I managed to work 5 hours before going home and to be going home a second night, never done it before. Time to finally go to the ER, not that I had any choice in that matter, between the pain, Kyle, 2 of my tow drivers, and a husband who only gets scary when he doesn't get his way about me going to a doctor when HE decides that I need it.(He knows my decision is always a big resounding, Not happening, leave me alone or I will be pissy the rest of the day!)

Found out my Crohn's is out of control and my entire colon, aren't I lucky, is inflamed and I have one hell of an infection from the lack of seeing a doctor for 10 years. Least that's what the Dr. and Steve decided. I know it's because I got stupid, ate what I want when I want even though I knew I shouldn't. The good news, I found a Dr. that doesn't believe as all the others I had seen and said that my colon needed to be removed. He doesn't like to jump to surgery. Thank you God! I have decide to go with his recommendations. I am taking the prescribed steroid that I hate and have feared my whole life and I am going to stay on the medicine to keep it in control. He has 6 weeks for the steroid. I won't take it any longer than that. I am committing to making all the appointments I am required to make, take all the tests needed and see what he can do. I am hoping for a miracle but if all I get is a little healthier and more energy, it's worth it.

The only bad thing I can complain about is that the hospital sent me home with pneumonia and I didn't have that when I got there. Been home a day and a half and feel like I am going to live. Yesterday I wasn't to sure. Well I suppose I could bitch that the dog ate the couch but, I won't. I mean really what is a stupid couch compared to a best friend that doesn't ask for much and hasn't been left alone in over 3 years Five days of no one home except to feed you and let you go to the bathroom a couple times, you get freaked out. Wish I would have got home 5 hours earlier so the poor dog wouldn't have to had to eat half a couch with stuffing, staples, and some kind of heavy ass fiber in it. I thought I was sick.

By the way bf, thanks, I hated that couch! You really are the best dog in the world. Now if you would just eat the Chihuahua. Just kidding Carol, I swear I am taking good care of your dog just like I promised I would!

Working those two days but killed me!

Been back to my grave yards for several days now but can't seem to get back into the swing of things. I am exhausted and end up going home and sleeping all day. Thank God I get two days off after this morning. My friend Lori from CA and I are going to Menopause the Musical Tuesday night. It is suppose to be hilarious and I think it will be even more fun because we don't have to pay for it. Plus I am going to take her to Red Rock and do some hiking. Plus I think we will hit Town Center and the M & M factory. I have to find those coconut M & M's. They are awesome! Maybe Weds. night we will go see Lance Burton. But I will probably be ready to just veg by then. Have to play it by ear I guess.

New Dawn

I usually am sound asleep at this time, about 6pm since I have to work 11pm to 7am. However, I have today off, which is strange, haven't had a Monday off in a year. Tomorrow, my normal day off, I have to arise at 5am and be at work by 6am. For the next two days I have to do this. I am not sure how my vampire like lifestyle will deal with this. I am scared I won't hear my alarm and even more scared, I will hear it and shut it off and go back to sleep.

I am slightly worried that I will melt in the sun but my bigger worry is falling flat on my face in front of management since I don't ever work with my bosses. I am used to a quiet night of just me and another dispatcher, a forklift driver, maybe a driver in and out throughout the night and the phone. No one to tell me what to do, no one to prove myself to. Just do my job and leave. Tomorrow will be like stepping out of the dark solitude of night and into a frenzied, overpacked, loud, and bright world. I pray that I make it. I pray I don't embarass myself. But most of all I pray I do a great job and impress myself. After all, what I think of myself is the only opinion that matters!

When your Monday is on a Thursday @ 11 pm!

You spend every day going to work on one day and date and coming home on another. You never know what the real day of the week is. You look forward to Monday nights because they are your Friday. You really dread Thursday night because they are your Monday! And then there is the 2nd Monday of the week, the real one when management come back to work and you are so relieved that you are going home just after they get there or just before. Everything has balance, the good with the bad!!! Going to bed right after I have pizza for dinner even though for everyone else in the house it's breakfast!

Oh the best news!!!! Steve is employed at long last! It was his first night last night and he gets Friday and Saturday off!