Getting by after saying goodbye

When death comes he rarely announces his arrival. He is like a thief in the night, creeps in and catches you unaware. Weds. the 10th death met us in a very sneaky attack.

Was a wonderful morning, even if I didn't want to get out of bed. My days off I rarely want to do much of anything. But the kids and the mom-in-law wanted to see a house I had heard about so after my normal lets wait another half hour and then we can leave routine, we finally did.

Carol was in such a great mood that she was infectious. She had us all laughing over silly things. She loves to hit me while I am driving. She calls it her love taps, I call it her resting her hand on my leg. She was going on about how things are going to be better once Steve gets to work and our bills are lowered.

We saw the house, it was okay, nothing special but the price was perfect. Carol had picked out her room and was happy. Then all of a sudden she had a headache, one that hurt really bad. I asked her to smile, stick out her tongue and say a simple sentence, which she did perfectly. I wanted to take her to the hospital but she protested. We started to leave the property and I was hanging on to her when she collapsed. Steve grabbed her and we carried her to the car. Within 5 blocks she collapsed to her side and wouldn't respond. I pulled over, called 911 while making sure her breathing was okay. It was rugged and way off and soon she stopped. I tossed the phone to Steve and gave her mouth to mouth. I ended up having to do that twice in the time the ambulance got there.

Being a former EMT I have given mouth to mouth and been okay with the outcome no matter what it was. Doing it on someone you love, isn't clinical, isn't detached, and the outcome hits home very hard.

At the hospital we found out that her brain had several veins and arteries blown out and all the blood had pushed the right half of her brain to her left. The decided they needed to do surgery immediately,even though they didn't think it would help. Immediately turned out to be 4 hours later. The surgery went fine. We were allowed a few minutes with her and then she had to rest. She had never regained consciousness from the car and her eyes were open and fixed and dilated the whole time.

The next morning we were told the blood was worse than the day before the surgery. In effect she was brain dead. At 5pm we asked them to take her off all the machines and let her go with some dignity. Took them until almost 6 to do it. As Steve, myself and my nephew Billy sat with her, she quietly passed away in less than 5 minutes. It was hard to be there but I knew I needed to be there. It was hard to say goodbye and thank her for all she has done for me but I know that she already knows that. I told her plenty of times when she was alive.

I slept in her room the first night. Didn't mean too but went in to get her dogs blanket and just pasted out. I miss her and life isn't the same anymore. But I know that she is pain free and happy and making everyone laugh and she is with her husband and her 3 sons that past before her and her parents. She is full of joy. We just live with a hole in or hearts and a selfish need to have her with us.


And as irony would have it she died on the same day as my father did, six years before. Now we get to grieve for his mom and my dad at the same time.