The Audacity of Hope!

Just started reading this book last week. It's author is our president. It is a good book and I am learning a lot, especially new vocabulary! :D It's also made me think about life in general and the people that have hope and the people that don't. I feel for the people that have none. I feel these people are just getting by day by day waiting to die, nothing to look forward to. I realize that I was once one of these people. That if you told me that there was hope, I wouldn't believe you.

I am glad that even though it took me into my 4oth decade I am able to turn this around. I do have hope and I expect that hope to bear fruit and provide me with a bounty of pleasure. My thoughts on the things I use to hope for and what I hope for now are very different. Before they were materialistic, immature, and selfish hopes and dreams (when I allowed myself to have them). Now though they are more mature, non materialistic and more for others than for myself.

I pray and hope for the best for my family and friends. I pray they are happy, healthy and know the difference between what is important and what is not. I pray for the homeless and the really poor that come into my store and just a kind word to them can make them cry; I pray they get more kind words every day and that people stop and look at them and realize they are humans with feelings, just as you and I are.

I am also thankful for all the hopes that I have had that have already come to be. Such as my mother and I are friends and close again. I am employed and I just got my new job which starts Monday!!! Yeah! I am meeting new friends in this big huge town that I live in and so are my kids and they are not our old friends but that doesn't mean they are not wonderful friends, they are just new. I am so thankful that I got to spend the day with my favorite grandniece and she was a joy to be with. Those sweet baby hugs, the way she smelled of maple syrup and the excitement in her eyes whenever I would peek at her during peek a boo. I am also so very thankful for the peace and calm that my children and I have been experiencing the last few days even though they are a little behind in their lessons and usually get very antsy. I am also grateful for the 4 hours over time I got yesterday. That might pay the water bill! Thank you God for all the wonderful riches you bring my way and for the way that you have brought me to you and allowed me to leave my problems at your door, knowing you will take care of them for me and I can just breath and pray and enjoy.

Rush Rush Rush

Terribly excited that I got the new job, today they called and said I have to meet with the General Manager before I start. Just a formality! Still little scary. Have to rush to get ready for old job, rush to the bank before work, and rush an make car insurance payment before they close my car insurance out. God please help me stay calm and focused on what needs to be done. Help me breath and relax. Bless this day for me! And bless my mother who is doing me a tremendous favor by getting my kids birth certificates that I lost and mailing them to me. She is a life saver!

I Got IT!!!!!

I got the job! I got the job! I got the job! Man I just don't get tired of saying that. I got the job! I start on Monday, already gave notice at my old job. Last day is Sunday. Funny thing is, I didn't think I would miss the old job but now I realize I will. I met a lot of people that with just a few kind words I made a difference in there day, even if for only a moment. I also met a few people that changed my way of thinking and made deep impressions on me. I will definitely miss the people I was working with. They are some of the best darn co-workers anyone could ask for. But hey, I got the job!!!!!!!

At least if I can't sleep I can get some interesting thoughts!

My days off are Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Don't know how I got so lucky. Course I really could use the 40 hours a week but I don't complain because there is so much to do on these days off that I am exhausted and ready to go back to work when the time comes.

Thursday was a busy day, running errands such as grocery shopping, driving clear across town to our pharmacist to get our prescriptions (he is so worth it, he is great at his job and he actually cares about people), spending time with my kids and we actually got to eat out cheap at the Sunset buffet. Jess was able to meet us there so we had a really nice time being a complete family for dinner for a change and no one had to cook or do dishes!!!!

On Thursday, my nephew called and asked if I could watch my niece Emily. She is one year and one month old. I hadn't seen her in a month so was more than willing even though we had lots to do. Some things we could accomplish with her here, like paying bills, going to the bank, and pulling all the weeds from the front yard. Somethings like getting the girls caught up on school would have to wait until Saturday but hey, time with Emily. More than worth it.

We did have a great day with her. She is cute, speaks in 2 languages and is always on the go. Course when her parents got off work and came and got her 10 hours later they hung out for another 3 hours and we spent some quality time talking and laughing. I really love spending time with my nephew, his wife and his adorable daughter. By the time they left I was exhausted. I went to bed to get caught up on all the shows I have recorded in the last two weeks and haven't had time to watch. Course Steve came home from his poker tournament a soon as I did that so I didn't get to watch them. We don't agree on the same shows to often. I love Law and Order and SVU, he hates them. I love ER and Grey's Anatomy, again he hates them. I love Primetime, 20-20 and Dateline. He hates those too. I love Ugly Betty, again he hates it. So I have been trying for 2 weeks to get caught up but haven't. I should be watching them right now but as I was smoking outside I was reading a novel and came upon this verse from the bible.

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. Psalm 119:50.

This is exactly what I needed to read at the exact time I needed it. When I feel like I can't hold on anymore these words tell me that God promises that I can. God is amazing. I thank him for all the good and the bad in my life. I know that he has a plan for me and that even in the bad I am learning a lesson, even if it is just the lesson that I can make it through anything. I am a survivor. So Lord, I praise you for all your lessons the good, the bad and the ugly. For I know that each brings me closer to you if I let them and I come out of each stronger and more positive that life is good, you just have to make the choice to make it good. That is something I never use to understand and thought people were idiots for thinking that. Now I know the truth. What an awesome truth.

Now since I got called in to work on my last day off I think I will try and get a couple more hours of sleep and be thankful for the extra money that will be in my next check because God does provide when you need it.

Today's a new day!

Every day is a new day of course but today I am trying to remind myself of this as my husband is being a downer. He is in the dumps because of his job. I just want to enjoy my day off and be happy. Happy to be with my kids, my dog, and my husband, even if he is a grump! Please Lord help me to help him smile and see the light instead of the dark. And while I am asking please bless Hindu, the repeat customer I have at work that is homeless and swears that I am his angel because I was kind enough to tell him that I would pray for him every day. Help Hindu find a way out of his vicious destructive life and find peace in his old age. Amen!

Some weird but important thoughts.

Today while I was at work, taking out the trash I thought about what would I do if I got jumped by someone. I work in a bad neighborhood. Young woman just got all busted up because she was waiting for the bus when 2 young men came up and told her she was fine, they wanted her number. She refused. They beat her senseless and broke her arm.

I am always prepared and always thinking a head about what I would do if a bad situation occurred. At work I keep a utility knife open and in quick reach if I am attacked. In my car I have a tire thumper. At home I have a gun right by my bed and know what is in reach so that I can have a weapon available. When walking in bad neighborhoods or at night I keep my key between my fingers just in case I need to hurt someone to get away.

I just realized recently that I have done this sort of thinking my whole life. Today I realized that there are 2 kinds of people in this world, victims and survivors. You don't have to stay a victim your whole life, you can become a survivor. Just like a survivor can become a victim. I chose to be the survivor. Don't take unnecessary risks, be prepared and always know what is going on around me. I once was a victim, for many years but no more! I am strong, I can think, hear me roar!

What do you do when your child is having nightmares about dying?

I am freaking out. My baby, who is 10, and hates to be called the baby is having these reoccuring dreams almost every night. It's freaking me out. She dreams she is dying, sometimes twice a night. We have talked, prayed, talked some more and she still has them. What does a momma do when her young'un is scared to go to sleep because she is afraid of dying one more time???????

Someone suggested a dream catcher and this week I am going to get one. She has no objections as long as it has no real fur on it, like the one we gave to her Grandma. I pray it will work. Otherwise I need more ideas! Soon, since the kid isn't sleeping because she wants to avoid the dream!

Being Grateful

Today I am feeling gratitude more than usual so I thought I would take a minute to say a few words about what I am grateful for.
1) My generous kind husband that turned 52 today and the fact that after 16 years of marriage we are still a loving couple that works to keep our marriage alive, in love, and joyful.
2) My four wonderful kids, each with their own personality, generosity, and baggage (cause who would we be without baggage?)
3) That I have a loving mother and our relationship is just getting better and better and she no longer feels childless and I no longer feel like an orphan.
4) A mother-in-law that I love and it's easy to be kind to her.
5). My loyal and loving bff, my dog King. He's my go to when I am feeling down or lonely, he's there when I am happy and joyful, and he is there when I or my children need to be protected. He's a great dog!
6) In these tough economic times, I have a family that pulls together and we still have a roof over our heads, the lights are still on and the cable rarely gets shut off.
7) I have not one but two cars to drive, I don't have to depend on my feet or the bus. It will be really great when the one car is paid off but until it is, I am grateful for whenever I get the payment made.
8). Opportunities to improve our life. Though they take pursuing to no end and they aren't guaranteed, they are there and we just need to reach out and grab them.
9) My wonderful friends. Some from the very distant past, like Diana, some from the more recent past, like Amy and Donna, and some very new ones, like Theresa who is a very awesome person.
10) Not last but most import, a loving God that helps us learn lessons along the way, some joyful and others full of pain but all have some kind of lesson. Some you don't understand right away, others you won't understand until your gone but knowing that he is a loving and kind God makes everything worth while.

Happy Birthday to My Gorgeous Husband!

We have been married 16 years as of March 7th of this year and this is one of the first times I have seen him in a suit. He is adorable. He's now 52. He just now realizes that he is a gorgeous man. He can finally see himself from my eyes. Thank you God! Even without his beard the man is a knockout!!! Happy Birthday Baby! I love you!

Learn to enjoy what you have when you have it.

For those of you who know me, you know that when I owned my own business I did nothing but complain, scream, carry around a ton of anger and resist having the business. I never wanted my own business and my husband started it without my blessing, which made me mad as hell. Took a long time to get over it.

Now the business is gone. I miss the hell out of it. Not the worries of owning the business, not the being on call 24/7, not even being my own boss (which to be honest was one of the best things about it).

What I miss is dropping my kids off at school, going home and working until they were out of school, being able to pick them up from school and then going home to work until the work was done for the day. Even though I was working I was always there for my kids. Emergency at school I was there. They were sick, no big deal for them to stay home I was at home working anyway. School event, doctor's appointment or anything else that came up, so what! I was the boss and set my hours so I never missed anything the kids had going on.

Now, (know that I am very grateful) I am working outside the home. I can't be there for the kids all the time like I was. I had taken them out of school and public schooled them from home when I was working at home. They are still public schooled from home but I am gone all afternoon and evening. I can't be there for every little thing like I use to. They are miserable and so am I.

I miss my kids! I miss my dog! I miss my mother-in-law. I miss working in my pj's. But I really miss being there for my kids all the time, every day and I wish I would have appreciated that more when I had it.

God bless all the working moms' in the world. We know we have to go and bring home the money but it sucks leaving the ones we are making the money for behind. But at least now I thoroughly enjoy and am thankful for every second I get with them.

Please pray for me!!!!

I applied for a great job yesterday! I really want this job. So universe, I am sending it out to you, please send it back with a "Your the one we want working for us!" I am on my day off so have tons of school work to get caught up on with the girls. Course they are not cooperating so I don't think I am going to get far with them. It will be a tough lesson for them to learn, if you don't do your work you get zeros and your grades go from A's to something a lot less desirable. However the sooner they learn it the better I guess.

Little human kindness goes a long ways!

I work in a highly populated homeless area. Every day I go to work thanking God that I have a home, a job and a family that loves me. I meet people every day that are alone, cold, have no money and no home and more importantly, no hope. A few kind words or the offer to say a pray for these people, lights up their face and instantly they few human again. All that from one simple phrase of kindness. I wish more people were kind to those less fortunate and appreciate what they have in their lives.

People say I have way to much fun at work!

Almost every time I am at work I hear at least one person say that I am having entirely to much fun to be working. My response to them, " I only make $8/hour so at least one of the benefits of my job should be that I can have fun.

I work with a few amazing people. All very different in style, personality, looks and age. However, they know how to have fun and get their work done! They believe in sharing the load and "giter done!" attitude. I know I need to look for better paying work, but I don't really want to leave the job I have just because of a couple of really awesome people that make going to work, fun!

Work!

I forgot what working out of the house was like. I know I complained a lot when I had my home office and worked 15 to 20 hours a day but now I kinda miss it. But don't tell anyone that! I would never hear the end of it.

Well I have been a working girl since Feb. 9th. I go to work at 2 pm and get off at 10 pm. I am just a lowly cashier at a convenience store but oh well, I get paid. Just think half my life ago, I was the manager of a convenience store and now I am just the cashier. Funny how things turn around. Actually I don't think of my job as a lowly job. I know I qualify for better work, better pay and a better neighborhood to work in but I am thankful I got the job. With so many out there with no income, I at least have some income. I only work 32 hours a week and for now, that will have to do. Frankly my body isn't use to standing for 8 hours a day, its use to sitting it's but in a desk. I really enjoy seeing customers in person and seeing faces over and over. Most of our clientele are homeless or one step from being homeless.

This in its self has taught me an awesome lesson. People can be totally beaten down in life. Think there is no good left and all it takes for them to feel a tiny bit better is a smiling face and someone to say, "stay safe out there!" You would think I had just handed them a million dollars. One man named Hindu, started to cry when I told him I would pray for him every day. He says I am his angel. It does a heart good to cause someone to smile or feel better even if only for a second.

My life is like Nascar!

We went to Nascar on Saturday. Not something that is my thing but was cool. Thanks Terry and Bozo for inviting us to go! I have decided that my life is like the races. Right now I am trying to get everything done before I have to be at work. My pants are in the washing machine and need to be dry by 1:30. I have no idea if I will cross the finish line with dry pants or not!

Then it's off to work, which while not my ideal job is rather fun. The people I work with make up for the lack of pay. They are funny and kind and they all feel the need to feed me! How strange, since I am not under weight.

I work 2 to 10, which is taking awhile to adjust to. Not only for me but for the kids and Grandma. We miss our days together. We live for my days off, which are Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Great days to have off! Course they are subject to change without notice.

Tomorrow, even though I have worked for 3 weeks, I have to attend orientation. How backwards is that. I get to learn all the things I should have learned before I went to work. Maybe that means I will already know everything????

Well I have to scoot to get ready for work. Man I hope my pants are dry.